So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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