Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize