God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The feeling are messing with the penis
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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