blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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