I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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