The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
