I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
