I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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