i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
