I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
