I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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