i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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