Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
