Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
