if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
