Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
