Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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