he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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