Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
