Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just had sex bonerless
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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