I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
