Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
