I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
