oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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