I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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