So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
