Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize