im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
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