Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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