Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
