I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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