I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
