Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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