i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
