she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
