Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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