she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
