2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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