Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
