why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
