Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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