my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
