idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
