marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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