I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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