I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
