he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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