i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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