The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I deserve this hangover.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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