Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
