everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
