Christians are straight up FREAKS
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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