he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
