I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
