He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
