I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
