I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I don't deserve a penis
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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