It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
