if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
